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Puns EBook

He's a professional grafter
You know Fatty Schultz the butcher
I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks
How are you to-day
Let me see said the minister
She--I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't find it anywhere
Have you ever met my sister Louisa
Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer
The street car lurched
I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York
Gee I just made a bad break murmured the chef as he threw away some rotten eggs
This is our latest novelty said the manufacturer proudly
You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily
My girl's father is an undertaker
An Irishman comes to this country remains here ten years and goes back to Ireland and dies
He--Why has he put her picture in his watch
I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning
My sister had a fright yesterday
Attorney for the Defense--Have you ever been cross-examined before
--I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his fingers broken
I'm nearly starved
What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred haunted houses in New York
I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver he ran out
GREENE--These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes
I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off
Are your folks well to do
If you should die what would you do with your body
I was at the track to-day Percy and there was a horse down there with the itch
HE--Yes she is living under an assumed name
BIGGS--I hear the jail was afire this morning
Love they say is blind
It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold rooms
This liver is awful Maud said Mr
Who was the first one that came from the ark when it landed
RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day sir
I got your fare didn't I
ISAACS--Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars how could dey tell if we got it
HE--I'll go to-morrow and buy a diamond engagement ring
I am told said she saucily that though you are a military man you are afraid of powder
MRS
Pressed for work--cider
Is this a fire insurance office
We should never complain whatever may befall us said the minister
Tommy said mamma tearfully it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you
I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live
A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer said Can you supply me with a yard of pork
They say corporations have no soul
Did your sweetheart receive you warmly last night
Permit me then to die at your feet
Don't doubt the veteran who tells you he was always where the bullets were thickest; perhaps he was hiding under the ammunition wagon
MR
Nature never allows anything to run to waist
What's the matter here
According to a florist's magazine Jacks are becoming cheap
JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired
BROWN--Peckhen has arrived safe
Oh live and let live my man
SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this morning
When Lot found his wife transformed into a pillar of salt he was wise enough to let it go at that and not take a fresh one
SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire
A telephone girl always reminds me of a pictured saint
A husband and wife are considered one but it is useless to try to work that gag on the landlord when he presents the board bill
You haven't a cent and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan
YOUNG M
Do you think that as a rule people who attend theaters are superstitious
Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once and then died remarked Mrs
What is the best way to raise cabbage
Why is Miss B---- wearing black
Dearest she murmured I'm so afraid you'll change
What's the matter here
Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad
Is it raining girls
GUEST--What have you got
STRANGER--Boy can you direct me to the bank
It's very puzzling said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors
PLAYWRIGHT--There is a great climax in the last act
I sent a dollar last week said the Good thing in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills
Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin
Curious isn't it
That cook would make a good baseball player
When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle they are engaged; but when you see the operation reversed they are married
SHE (approvingly)--You won her hand then
What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum and the admission to Sing Sing
A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out Jeffries
Why is a railroad train like a bedbug
CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother little boy
I must admit said the mannish girl that I'm very fond of men's clothes
When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion it is always easy enough to change her complexion
My friend said the long-coated old man solemnly have you made preparation for the day of judgment
George you look exhausted she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat
Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is said: Her eyes chained him to the spit
Do I bore you
How did that fight between the bridge tenders end
What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question
MASHINGTON--What's the matter with your clock
The hawk was dozing
You ought to be very proud of your wife
I once knew a man who with the aid of a microscope made a harness for a flea
You want a divorce from your wife do you
How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work




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